Here we are...again.
Three years later.
All day I thought about him, all day I planned to write this post and share my thoughts. And of course by 14 minutes I miss it.
My day was spent thinking about him. I woke up, thought of him, grabbed her out of bed, thought of him, fed her breakfast, thought of him etc etc etc. I talked to her about him for the first time today. I haven't really mentioned him because she wouldn't have understood, might not understand still. But that's ok, today was the first birthday she would be around for and today was a big deal.
I wasn't sad throughout the day, until later tonight. It seems that all the worries of the world, the depression and the deep utter sadness of him being gone hits me later at night when I get to sit still and just feel the quiet of the day. Exhausted from running around, chasing my living baby, getting ready for the anniversary of my dead baby and in one moment. I hurt. It hits me. And the pain, the tears that well in my eyes, the tightness in my throat I always feel it all at once. I didn't cry, I haven't cried in a long time. I think it's because I'm now used to living in this constant state of loss, and you just stop feeling it. You just live and breathe as if he would have as if he should have and then randomly you remember. You become conscience of his loss and of course the what ifs.
This year I have been blessed with the greatest gift, his sister. And I firmly believe that he was completely apart of it. After Spencer passed I wanted a baby and I wanted one right now. But J wanted to take things slowly and get married and follow the natural path without a rush. My first thought "I'm not going to have a baby until 2011, how will I handle 2 years??!!" Sure enough when I was losing hope (even though I shouldn't have) I was pregnant with her! He knew I needed her, he knew it was time, he knew my grief and my suffering needed to end. And so the gift of her cane from him.
Today I can't give him that gift in return. I can't shower him with fun, and cake and presents and watch him bask in all his 3 year old glory. I can't give him that. Because he died. And again I will forever have to think of him in that way, remember him so painfully.
What I can say is that today was a good day. Today wasn't so so sad it was just a little sad. Ironically I woke up at 2:30 just 20 miniutes or so after he was born. I was jarred awake by a dream, not of him, but one of importance.....that I can't remember.
It rained as we arrived at his grave side. Something it's never done, which of course stressed me out. All day was about getting ready for tonight. I shopped for hot dogs,snacks and balloons for our tradiional family BBQ, I packed for it, got Scarlett ready for it and then BAM not happening cause it rained. So we all stood there in the rain talking amoungst eachother. Looking over at his grave and remembering why we were there but saying very little about it.....about him. I took my baby girl and placed her next to his gave, stood her against his head stone and took pictures..........
That's messed up......in fact that's fucked up. Then we had a "family" picture. I smiled perfectly tried to get the baby to smile and my husband looked pretty cute too. I couldn't help but think this was the most tragic family photo I've ever been apart of. And it was my life. Even posting the picture on Facebook where it says "caption" I froze trying to think of a clever caption....and all I came up with was "Family picture......" so clever.
Regardless today I would have a 3 year old boy, bouncing, screaming, talking back, learning, laughing and teaching his sister all the wonders of his 3 year old world. But I don't and that is sad and frustrating and heart breaking, but it's my life. It's other mom's lives and it happens every day. It's happens so much that I actually met another mom, I met her! It wasn't Sally, but it was another baby loss mom that fell into my lap and I had to talk to her. I'll write more about her in another post, but my dream....it happened, not ver ba-tum but it happened.
Anyway today was my boys day.A day for him and he got some balloons sent up his was with a big fat 3 on them. Just for my amazing little man that touched me to the core three years ago and still does every single day of my life. I hope today my son had a smile on his face, joy in his life and love all around him. Because that is what every 3 year old little boy deserves on his birthday.
I love you Spencer Arthur, you've taught me more than you will ever truly know. Happy Birthday Baby xoxoxo