When I was pregnant with Spencer our financial situation was slightly different than it is now. We weren't broke but we weren't comfortable either. As I got bigger there were things I wanted to do, but knew we just couldn't afford it at the time. 3D ultrasound was a big one. I loved seeing all the little facial expressions that they could get with the babies. Initially we thought it was kinda creepy and a little un-necessary but quickly regretted not doing and having those images of our son after he passed.
Another one was maternity pictures. I loved some of the images created for other moms, I loved how each mothers happiness and glow was beaming through each picture I had seen. It really is an amazing time in a woman's life and you will never again be able to seize those memories with that child. I knew at the time who I wanted to work with, but again there was no way I could afford her because she is one of the best.
Sometimes I think I'm not a mother, sometimes I don't feel like one. But then I realize I am, I have been and I always will be. Looking back on things with regret is one of those things that parents will probably do for the rest of their lives. Doubting your choices, wondering if you did the right thing with what you had at the time. It's hard to be a parent, it's even harder to be a parent to a baby that died.
I regret not doing those things for the simple reason that we lost him, and those are just a few more images that we could have had of him, but don't. I know it wasn't feasible at the time, I know that money was better spent in other places, but I regret it. So I've added that to my list of things to learn from. Because what is learning a hard lesson without gaining some knowledge afterwards? So this time and any time after we will do the things we want to do because this is our child they are our children and I don't want missing out on some important images to be on my list of regrets with one more child. God knows I'll have a list and it will be long and some regrets will be more significant than others, but it's not going to be a regret I can control.
So here she is Miss Scarlett Mae C at 28 weeks in 3D! She cooperated for about 10 minutes. We got her yawning, smiling, sucking my insides, sucking her hand and eventually fingering us when she had enough of us invading her personal space.
And finally the one thing I love the most is our maternity pictures! They turned out better than I ever would have hoped and it was very hard to choose from all the options. The link is for about 4 of them and we've selected 3 out of the 4 images that you see on her blog, along with a few others. These images will last us a life time, I can share them with her, I can let her see where she was and how beautiful she made me feel. I'll get that moment, I truly believe it in my heart.
http://www.bowesphotography.ca/blog/
So now we wait. I'm 32 weeks pregnant with 55 days to go and so far I'm ok. I've had my moments. But now it's my internal battle. After speaking with an amazing OB who has been in practise for 25 years she sort of brought me down to earth.....kind of. Her logical and statistical explanations make sense, her experience puts me a ease and it really comes down to me and my fight. So today I'm willing to let things happen as they should, I might be ok with them rimming my cervix and sending me home.....maybe...ahh crap I don't know. I'd like to say I'll be ok with it as long as I get an ultrasound confirming yet again that everything is ok. But I'm told they might not see anything anyway....I still want it and I think it's something I'd like to insist on. One thing I've made clear is that I won't go back my due date without some kind of intervention, I'm ok with labouring, but it will have already started and things will be happening by May 29th. I don't care who I have to talk to.
So that's today, tomorrow might be different and the day after and the day after that. But for now, we are hanging in there believing this baby girl is going to come home.
shes wonderful! and yay for your OB saying some helpful things. smiles :)
Posted by: alicia | 04/05/2011 at 05:33 PM
Thinking of you. xo
Posted by: Sally | 04/06/2011 at 01:53 AM
Crap, I better get knitting!!! I got a baby blanket to finish up! Darn rights this little girl is coming home!
Posted by: Kerry | 04/07/2011 at 12:25 PM