Laundry

Tomorrow I'll be 34 weeks so naturally I'm starting to fall into my nesting mode. Things need to get done and they need to get done like now. Deep down I feel like she's going to arrive early and if she does I want to be prepared. 

Then I started folding her tiny little clothes and I instantly thought "What if I'm doing this for nothing....again". I was excited to finally get started on the laundry, because the next thing is packing her diaper bag.......But of course in order to do that I need to unpack Spencer's clothes. Another challenge I get to face. And round and round I f'ing go! Why the hell does it have to be like this? Why is everything that I do need to be followed directly by a sad depressing thought involving the death of one child or the potential death of another one. This was just laundry, tiny bits of clothing to put on this wiggling squirming child growing inside of me. 

I wanted to cry, I wanted to break down and bawl my eyes out because I just don't know if I got excited to do laundry the one thing I loathe for nothing. I don't know if I'll get to dress her up in the insane amount of cute clothes I've purchased for her. And I hate that feeling. 

The worst part of it all is that it was just laundry and I now have another 4 to 6 weeks of these little moments. Moments that catch me off guard, moments that bring me to my knees and terrify the crap out of me. I can't help but wonder how I'm going to get through each moment and then the subsequent birth of this baby without totally losing my mind. It's the unknown world of baby loss that will forever follow me around in my life. Normal activities, normal tasks or thoughts that haunt me and attack my happiness. It's not going to stop so how in the world do I just deal and move on? I'm not sure I do.......

I have no idea how to do laundry without feeling the devastating loss of my son and the fear of losing this baby and the babies that follow her. Even after almost two years I still don't know how to be the mother to a dead baby. I'm not sure I'll ever really know how to be. 

Comments

[Kerry]

Jen, it's hard to imagine what you must be going through, and it breaks my heart to know that even the most mundane of tasks takes you to a dark place. But I suppose that's when it would hit you, when you realize that you should have been doing this all along.

All I can hope is that you're washing shit stains and baby puke out of onesies in a few weeks and doing it with a smile on your face.

[alicia]

hugs Jen. just hugs, my heart aches for you.