My internal battle consists of this " I could just go along and trust the doctors, I mean they've told me everything is fine" which leads to this " They told you it was fine last time and your kid died" which takes me to this " I cannot mentally handle losing another baby, what if she dies" then I go here "If she dies I will sue every damn doctor I've come in contact with during this pregnancy" then I go here " Then what would happen to me, to us.....would I even want to try again? How would I even bring myself out of that hole when I'm barely out of the hole I was in after Spencer?"
Lather rinse repeat.
What I want is a normal delivery, I'd like to have my cervix rimmed come home for a bit, labour, go to the hospital and deliver a screaming child. Just like that. But then there is the "BUT" and the "What if?" and I get confused all over again. I'd like to trust that the head OB in all of Calgary did an ultrasound and confirmed that nothing is wrong with my baby, placenta or uterus. I want to believe him so I can just have this baby like a normal person and take her home. I want that from the tips of my toes to the top of my head believe me I do. But how can I ever truly trust that. I mean I'm a pretty forgiving person, I'll forgive if it's warranted and move on fairly easily. But this isn't one of those things where you just take the apology, the reassurance that it won't happen again and move on. This is a life, a living squirming baby I have right now alive in me. No one in this world can guarantee that when she comes out she's still going to be living. So what am I left with? A hope and a prayer? If you remember correctly I'm friends off with God have been since April 24th, 2009........I'm working on that forgiveness, it still has yet to find me.
So I've decided today when I go in for my appointment I'm going to demand an ultrasound. I want them to confirm what they've already confirmed so then I can at least say ok it's been looked at twice, she's been looked at twice they've looked me in the eye TWICE and CONFIRMED that everything is normal. And I'm hoping that after that I will start to trust and I will let my body do the work but with a little assistance. Ideally I'm hoping she'll come early, with the way I've been feeling I really think she might, which would be good....as long as she's healthy of course. Because then if she comes on her own and we don't have to will her tiny little ass out I will be that much better off.
This is brutal and totally unfair and I just want them both. I want my son and my daughter and I want to be a normal mother to living children. But I'm forever stuck in a world full of mistrust and uncertainty.
48 days to go
12 days until Spencer's 2nd anniversary.
Wow, wow, wow, that was me all over. That first paragraph was SO my life in the weeks before Angus arrived.
As you know, my normal, natural and what I hoped to be a very healing delivery didn't go to plan and I ended with the c-section at 38 weeks as a) I lost the plot and couldn't hang on another day and b) Angus was in no way ready to be born, so they would not induce (for fear of sending me in for an emergency c-section). I just want you to know, that no matter what happens and no matter how or when she arrives, it wont matter in the end. If she cries at birth, is healthy and goes home with you a few days later, you really wont care and this terrifying end to the pregnancy will be a distant memory.
Sure, I wish I could have held on to push Angus out, but that is easy to say in hindsight. Looking back, I remember how emotionally spent I was and how absolutely terrified I was to have a perfectly healthy baby inside of me, just waiting to be born. Like you, the fact he was FINE didn't really offer me any reassurance, as I'd been down that road once before.
I want to send you all my love and good thoughts and please know you're not alone with these internal demons you're battling.
Please, please email me if you want. Always here for you.
xo
Posted by: Sally | 04/12/2011 at 08:24 PM