The weekend like this post was one I simply wanted to avoid. No real reason just didn't want to deal with it. I was grumpy, confused, uncertain of what we should be doing if what we were doing was right etc etc. I just didn't want to have to go through it, but in the end we did go through it and it did happen and the day itself actually turned out better than we had expected.
24 months since our boy was here and gone. Lots of things have changed, many things remain the same. I think what really gets to me the most is not knowing what he would look like or how active he would be. I wonder what our family would look like and how happy we would be. It's those tragic what if's that you always hear about and torture yourself with on a daily basis. Of course those will never go away. Every occasion, every moment that makes you stop and think of him. They will never cease to exist.
I tried thinking of where I am at right now, where I came from and what has changed in me since that day. I felt like that pain was never going to end, that raw emptiness of being a mother without a baby. It's still there, it still hurts, but I can say that you learn to live with it. You don't stop hurting and although the days of sadness become further apart than they used to they still come. It still feels like someone walked up to me and punched me in the stomach when it does hit. That never changes just how I deal with it has. I don't shed tears openly anymore, I've built up that wall and I now shed them internally. I'll choke them back, wipe away the one tear that squeaks past and hold it together. I've gotten good at holding it together, keeping a straight face and really living with the loss of my son the best way that I know how.
I know some mom's that are still years later bitter, frail and lost in the pain. I read their stories, I feel their pain, but I know I'm not in a toxic place. I know I'm living, moving on with what I've got now, who I am as a woman, mom and wife and despite the utter brutality of this journey and the one that is ahead of me I'm proud of that. My son wouldn't want me to lose all that I am, he wouldn't want his parents to break up and go their separate painful ways. He would want us to find happiness again, after all he's given us his sister.
I believe he's now giving me the strength to trust in what is to come. To believe that maybe I'll get to take her home. I've been told twice now that nothing is wrong, it's been confirmed that what happened to him isn't going to happen to her. But then of course I know about everything else. I know of infections, cords, heart defects that were missed etc etc. So really how much can I trust? Now I look to him, hoping he's out there somewhere watching us, protecting us in a way that I couldn't protect him. I can only hope that he is at least.
Since we were at a loss for what to do, we decided to do something similar to what we did last year. It was on a much smaller scale and I didn't want anyone around really. I didn't want to be social or play host or talk much really. I just wasn't in the mood and neither was Jason. So instead it was us and my parents. Still somewhat crowded in my opinion, but in the end it was ok. We did a spring clean up, planted some more grass seed and placed some new friends next to his stone to keep him company. Then we let some balloons go hoping they would "get to him". I'm still confused as to what a person does on the anniversary of a babies death. It's not something you are supposed to ever do so coming up with creative ways to at least acknowledge his life is quite difficult.
In the end what really shifted my mood was the bunny. Since it was Easter the weekend was jam packed with events and dinners, but this one was also Spencer's anniversary. As we pulled up he was the first thing I saw and I was so happy that he was there not only with my baby, but with all the other babies relaxing in the sunlight just spending time with all of them.
It's been a terribly sad and extremely happy two years. One obvious loss paired with great moments in our lives. We lost him, but hung in there and got married loving each other more today than we did on that day. Then we made her and look forward to her arrival, hoping she brings happiness that we were robbed of two years ago. I miss him deeply, my scars are still there, my heart still hurts, but for him I'm here alive, well and for the most part happy.
2 years, 24 months, 104 weeks, 730 days and still counting.
what beautiful ways to remember and celebrate him and so nice of the bunny to show up!
Posted by: alicia | 05/02/2011 at 10:48 PM