Frustrated

Maybe I'm just bad at communicating or maybe I should have freaked out the second they assigned me to the "Low Risk Maternity Clinic". Instead I went with it and figured that given my story, given the fact that I had to bury my dead infant they would work with me and listen to me and give me whatever I wanted. In the beginning I pretty much tossed out any idea or suggestion of going back to the doctor I had with Spencer, but now.....25 f'ing days to my due date I'm wondering if I should have just gone to her because maybe just maybe she would be more understanding.

I had my 36 week doc appt on Tuesday, that was the day I wanted to confirm my birth plan with the one doctor that I liked because I figured if she put it in words then that was that. The matriarch of the practise says this is what's happening so that's what will happen. But of course I was wrong.

Let me first be clear by saying it's not a matter of no longer being pregnant it's a matter of getting her here alive, screaming, heart beating and well. So maybe when I say things like "I don't want to go past my due date" they assume it's me saying "I'm just sick of being pregnant and would like to cheat myself out of natural delivery". I wonder this because that's how I felt after my appt. I said exactly this to her "I would like to make a plan, maybe at 38 weeks we start rimming my cervix then if at 39 weeks that doesn't work we step it up and try some prostaglandin and take it from there". Now this was a huge step for me. I told myself that if the ultrasound went well then I would be ok with letting them rim my cervix and send me home to possibly go into labor which is what happened with Spencer. Then if that failed I ask to have the prostaglandin put in, be sent home and potentially labor which again was a huge step for me. Last time that happened my son died without me knowing so the simple fact that I was even willing to go with this was a shock to me. Seems pretty straight forward don't you think? I mean I'm a far cry away from some nut case walking in and demanding a c-section.

Her reaction was right to the point. "If you don't need to be induced chances are we aren't going to do it" they feel that there is no real reason to actually induce me because oh you know "Everything is ok" and"we will treat you as the routine pregnancy that you are". It then just comes down to easing my fears and anxiety because that's really the only real issue here. The baby is fine, everything is normal just this crazy mother sitting in front of us demanding things that she doesn't need for reasons that make no medical sense.

So I lost it, I couldn't even hold back the tears. Now I haven't cried about this pregnancy yet, I haven't broken down in a sobbing mess of fear yet. But I did, I was pissed, annoyed and freaking out because she wasn't listening to me. She wasn't acknowledging what happened, what we went through how I was feeling none of it. She was brushing me off like I was a crazy that had no idea what I was talking about. Instead she suggested we make a plan, see an actual OB one she thinks might be willing to work with me if maybe they feel like it and then take things from there. If I'm lucky they might understand me and work with me to induce, but if they don't agree with inducing me then they won't and that will be that. I'll be stuck to just deal and hopefully she will arrive alive.

After I began to cry expressing that I just wanted to get her here the doctor goes on to say "But we can start rimming your cervix at 38 weeks as it's a service we offer everyone anyway"..........Ummmmmm is that not just what I asked you about? Is that not the plan I wanted to try out? Cause I'm pretty sure it took me 9 months to get to the point of actually verbalizing that I would be ok with it so there is no real way that I stuttered.

We left annoyed, I'm still confused, but I know for a fact that they aren't willing to work with me and probably in the end won't if they feel like they just don't want to. Why help me when help isn't needed because chances of it happening again are non existent. But of course I know different. I know mothers who have had to bury their babies because what happened shouldn't have but did anyway. But hey that doesn't really matter now does it? So I'm pissed, frustrated and hurt that my experience isn't being acknowledged as I think and feel that it should be. As each day passes I get more and more angry at the sheer thought of this happening again. Someone will pay I will fly off the handle and friggen lose my mind on each and everyone of them that went on to ignore me and my concerns and requests.

It's maddening and instead of being excited and looking forward to what's to come I'm pissed, scared shitless and feel completely in the dark about the next 25 days if not longer of this pregnancy.

Comments

[Sally]

It is simply astounding to me that you don't have a doctor who can be more astounding. I'm so sorry on top of everything else, you are having to put up with this. In a strange way though, my ob took a very similar stance, though she was incredibly supportive and understanding. She didn't want to induce me for no (physical) reason if all was well, but she knew mentally at some point I would need it. She was as keen for me to birth naturally as I was, but she just didn't want to induce if Angus wasn't ready, as she was worried about me then ending up with the whole "cascade of intervention" with a failed induction, leading to an emerg c-section and an emergency situation was the last thing I wanted. At 38 weeks, I simply couldn't hold on a second longer, so she offered the c-section the very next day and I (somewhat reluctantly) took it. I didn't want one, but I also didn't want to risk carrying him in my time bomb of a body a second longer. And in the end, the method of birth didn't matter, he made it.
I really hate that they are being so dismissive of your very valid concerns. Even though you are at the 11th hour, I would still try and find someone else at this point. You really don't need this.
xo

[alicia]

this is so crazy. i am so sorry you have to deal with this. hugs.

[Londyn]

I am blown away that you were considered low risk, you lost a child! is there a bigger risk (besides your own life)? You need to find someone willing to induce you as soon as Scarlett is ready. Your mind and heart cant take the waiting. I pray that you will have an amazing birth with a healthy crying daughter.
Love, Londyn (Calder's mom)