As I sit here and listen to her breath on the monitor I feel it.
I feel the moment, the life I'm now living. I feel the motherly need to let her rest, yet desire to run up scoop her up and hold her while she sleeps. I feel the quiet house as I listen to her little sounds and still know that he's still missing.
Many mom's have said that you don't realize how much of them you missed until the next one comes. Until you get to parent a living baby and you realize how much you've missed. I get that now, but I'm also going to admit that I haven't let myself think of him as often as I thought that I would. Man just typing that makes me feel like a bad parent.......... I think of him, but I think of him as if he would be here now. The toddler poking her face and giving her drooly kisses on her cheeks. I think of what he looked like and if they look the same. I compare how much hair she has and he had. The color of their hair is different, their faces so opposite. He was the big burly boy, she's the dainty princess. Something so obvious to me, their differences. And then of course one is here and the other is not. I wonder how you miss something you never had, and then you just miss them the idea of them, the memory of that baby you had to bury.
She is perfect. I know all parents say that but she is. She eats and sleeps and poops like a champ. She's fairly predictable, easy to read and quiets with a simply coo and a kiss. Her expressions are limitless and her squeaks and grunts are baby perfect. I wish I could capture her tiny little moments in a bottle and keep her that way. But then I want to see to grow. I want to know what she looks like and hear her laugh and giggle when I make a funny face. I want to see her leg chub and watch her learn. I want to be the best mom to her and I want her to become a beautiful woman.
Sometimes my mind goes to a dark place. The sick tormenting thoughts that run through my head are brutal. I never knew my mind could go to such a place, but the fear of the very worst case scenario haunts me in my quiet moments. The loss would be even greater now, knowing her and losing her is different than not knowing him and only losing what we never knew. The pain is still great the loss of him is not something I will ever discredit, but to lose her after knowing her and feeling her and having her would kill me again this time successfully. I wish I didn't take myself there, those are some dark moments of sheer fear, but I know that it can all be taken away so quickly. I know that it happens and I can only hope with all hope that it doesn't happen to me......again.
She is here, happy healthy and giving us the hope that we thought we had lost.
Today she is 20 days old.
