About two days ago I was introduced to this story. Her illness began to show signs at 4 months old, Scarlett just turned 3 months......
I have the unfortunate opportunity to know the realities of life. To know that I don't live in a world where babies stay healthy and live long and happy lives. I know that babies die, I know that when little ones get sick they might not live through it. I tried to avoid reading Anaya's story, the most recent posts were enough for me to know that this was going too feel to close to home to emotionally handle it. But tonight I was drawn back to it, tonight I started from the beginning. You can't start reading a blog without starting at the first post. You can't connect without knowing who your connecting to or why.If I'm going to sit back and read the pain of a mother as she watches her baby die I'm going to feel it as she did from the beginning.
As I read I held my baby, my healthy thriving living baby and I knew it would only be a matter of minutes before my thoughts would run, my heart would shake in fear and I was going to lose it. I went up to her nursery and rocked her in the dark. I can't lose her. I simply cannot lose this baby. Even thinking about it breaks me down, my soul starts to hurt and I just want to pretend that stuff like that doesn't happen.
We had a small scare with her. I noticed in the hospital that she's got what appears to be a double butt crack. At first I thought it was cute but then I asked the doctor to which she responded with "Oh well it could be a sign of Spina Bifida but because I can see it stops she should be fine"..........It amazes me how casually doctors can toss around the possibility of severe paralysis in front of a new mother. Anyway at the next visit I asked my family doc to look into it. We met with a pediatrician and had an ultrasound done a few weeks ago. Today it was confirmed that she is fine, there is nothing to worry about and there is no need to monitor it moving ahead. Phew dodged that bullet.........this time anyway. I've been shot before I know how much it hurts.
What's on my mind the most is that I can lose her, anything could happen and I'm scared of what it would do to me. I'm scared of what life would be like without her because I don't know what I did before her.I hate what baby loss has done to me. I hate that it's turned me into a terrified mother, one that lives in fear of having to yet again bury another baby. And really the worst part of it all is that I will live like this for the rest of my life. I will carry that around with me for as long as I live as long as she lives and ones after her. It's going to shape me as her mother, as his mother.
I can only hope that some where on this path I'll get a small break. I'll get the chance to watch her live, to contribute to her health and assist in helping her thrive in her life. I can only hope that my bad luck ended a few shorts years ago and I'll never be in the position Anaya's mom is in. Because I can't imagine that kind of pain, I can't imagine that type of daily torture as you watch your baby die one desperate breath at a time.
If you can pop over and send your support her way I'm sure she could use it, especially now.
. Her illness began to show signs at 4 months old, Scarlett just turned 3 months......
I have the unfortunate opportunity to know the realities of life. To know that I don't live in a world where babies stay healthy and live long and happy lives. I know that babies die, I know that when little ones get sick they might not live through it. I tried to avoid reading Anaya's story, the most recent posts were enough for me to know that this was going too feel to close to home to emotionally handle it. But tonight I was drawn back to it, tonight I started from the beginning. You can't start reading a blog without starting at the first post. You can't connect without knowing who your connecting to or why.If I'm going to sit back and read the pain of a mother as she watches her baby die I'm going to feel it as she did from the beginning.
As I read I held my baby, my healthy thriving living baby and I knew it would only be a matter of minutes before my thoughts would run, my heart would shake in fear and I was going to lose it. I went up to her nursery and rocked her in the dark. I can't lose her. I simply cannot lose this baby. Even thinking about it breaks me down, my soul starts to hurt and I just want to pretend that stuff like that doesn't happen.
We had a small scare with her. I noticed in the hospital that she's got what appears to be a double butt crack. At first I thought it was cute but then I asked the doctor to which she responded with "Oh well it could be a sign of Spina Bifida but because I can see it stops she should be fine"..........It amazes me how casually doctors can toss around the possibility of severe paralysis in front of a new mother. Anyway at the next visit I asked my family doc to look into it. We met with a pediatrician and had an ultrasound done a few weeks ago. Today it was confirmed that she is fine, there is nothing to worry about and there is no need to monitor it moving ahead. Phew dodged that bullet.........this time anyway. I've been shot before I know how much it hurts.
What's on my mind the most is that I can lose her, anything could happen and I'm scared of what it would do to me. I'm scared of what life would be like without her because I don't know what I did before her.I hate what baby loss has done to me. I hate that it's turned me into a terrified mother, one that lives in fear of having to yet again bury another baby. And really the worst part of it all is that I will live like this for the rest of my life. I will carry that around with me for as long as I live as long as she lives and ones after her. It's going to shape me as her mother, as his mother.
I can only hope that some where on this path I'll get a small break. I'll get the chance to watch her live, to contribute to her health and assist in helping her thrive in her life. I can only hope that my bad luck ended a few shorts years ago and I'll never be in the position Anaya's mom is in. Because I can't imagine that kind of pain, I can't imagine that type of daily torture as you watch your baby die one desperate breath at a time.
If you can pop over and send your support her way I'm sure she could use it, especially now.
Camara is a good friend of my friend Lisa in Nelson. This story broke my heart and I too follow her blog. I still cry every time I finish reading it - I can't imagine what life must be like but I suppose she just does it because Anaya is her baby and she loves her. No matter how much time she has left, Camara is making sure that every day is happy and filled with love and I respect and admire her for her strength.
Posted by: Kerry | 08/19/2011 at 01:20 PM