Depleted

Scarlett has brought some amazing love into my life. I didn't know what it would feel like to love a living baby, I knew how fiercely I would defend Spencer and the desire to keep his memory alive. But Scarlett has ignited a new passion inside of me. Loving her, protecting her helping her grow into a strong successful woman that's a drive I've never had before. 

There's been a lot going on in my life, so much so that it's become overwhelming. Some days I'm able to keep up, I can avoid letting the anxiety get to me, but lately it's been creeping up on me. It's weird, last night I was anxious while looking at wall decals for her new room.....WTF? We are in the final stages of building a house. Now it's not just any house, it's the house I never imagined I would have it's THE house. Jason seems to be under the impression it's our "starter" home and has goals beyond my imagination. Which I can only commend him for. He's a provider beyond belief, his ambition is beyond me and I can't seem to bring myself to even believe in the things he plans to do. To me they seem so far out of reach, they are what I dreamed of having not the reality of the path I thought I would be taking. This house still 35 days away from possession seems unrealistic to me. I haven't allowed myself to get excited because when I do.....I freak out. I still don't feel like its going to be ours and I still can't believe it's happening so quickly. 

Business has been the shits. And when I say the shits I mean it, everything has happened all at one time all the walls have fallen in and we are under some major combat attack. Despite my attempts to shut it all out and avoid it, I've got to deal with it. I know that in the end this will make us better business owners, stronger more knowledgeable entrepreneurs but right now it sucks and I feel like it's sucking out my willingness to get out of bed in the morning. I also hate watching my husband deal with it. I can see the stress on his face, I hear it in his voice and I'm not sure how much more he can handle. Each day we keep reminding ourselves that it will get worse before it's going to get better but what the F kind of grass is greener attitude is that. I suppose it isn't, we are just being realistic in a glass half empty sort of way. It sucks and my fear is that in my own stress and anger I'm not supporting him enough, but I feel like I don't have much more to give to him.

Now add shitty work, money issues, home purchasing, moving, organizing, health and weight concerns, general life, two dogs, two cats and anything else you can imagine onto raising and taking care of a 4 month old. It's a lot, BUT I make it my priority to wake up with a smile on my face for that baby girl. I strive to make her laugh, to show her that mom's happy and dad's happy and it's mostly because she is the only thing great in our lives right now. She is our happiness, she's funny and outgoing. She's just starting to test out her new squeaky high pitched voice.....which is....awesome...I suppose ;) It's cute when she's talking, but not so much when she's tossing a fit and demanding mom's attention....like right now!

And then there are the moments when it's so obvious he's gone. Moments that yet again punch me right square in the gut and take my breath away. One Sunday was quite overwhelming for me. My brother and his lady love are expecting a baby in a few weeks time. And of course it's a boy, baby Danger we call him as a little joke. It never bothered me when we found out it was a boy, I was excited I am excited I'm gonna be an aunt! But then I was at his baby shower. As I sat there so excited for my nephew to come I watched his mom open all her boy presents. And then all of a sudden BAM! "I miss Spencer, I miss my boy" he should have been there running around like a nut case trying to open presents and tugging on bows, but he wasn't. Shortly after that we met up with my good friend Kerry and Vaughn to go to Ovo, a cirque show about bugs. You'll remember that Vaughn is just a few hours older than Spencer. As I sat in the dark watching his little face in pure amazement I missed my boy. The fascination on Vaughn's face was priceless and I couldn't help but wonder what my boy's face would have looked like as he watched.

I'm not sure what this life is going to turn out to be. I know from the outside looking in we look like the perfect little family. But in reality we aren't, we've got our problems big and small, we've got one baby when we should have two. And I've got an internal struggle with happiness, sadness and utter confusion most of the time. I'm depeleted, exhausted and no matter how many breaks I take or how often I try to forget life still happens. 

Speaking of life my beauty is awake now. I'll leave you with this picture of her sweet face. Hard to be sad with a funny face like that. 

Comments

[alicia]

glad you are blogging again! missed you :)

wow sorry about all the stress in your life! that is so hard. excited for your new house though! you guys need help moving? keith can help, hee hee i can watch the kids :)

Let me know if you need anything HUGS

[Sally]

Absolutely can relate to this. We really do look perfect now. "One of each". But we are far from it. We're doing the best we can though.
xo