I am not alone

I've been repeating that to myself quite a bit these last few days. 

Despite my feelings of utter isolation I have to keep reminding myself that I am not the only momma this has happened to. We each have our own stories of loss, different yet so similar it's heart wrenching. We all have our paths that led us to the birth of our child the loss weather it be before during or after we've brought them into this world. Every step, every inch of time that brought us to those moments is something we will never forget. 

At times the memories sit quietly in the back of our minds and leave us alone for a few days maybe even weeks. And then something stirs them up, they come rushing back and a single tear falls from your face. Recently it was hoarders......(don't judge) some 20 years prior they had lost their son at 4 months old to a heart defect. They sat there and explained how they never properly grieved his loss, how they stopped communicating and just got lost in their pain. Consequently their home was a mess their lives shattered and their oldest son lost in the pile of garbage overwhelming their home. And I cried. 

Tonight Carly Marie posted about a mom that died during child birth. As I scrolled the comments I noticed that tell tale picture of a sweet pale faced baby boy with the perfect purple lips. I clicked on his mamma's profile and watched a video of his birth. They had a photographer to capture their home birth and un-knowingly his death. I watched the beautiful video of his father holding him close. I seen the vacant expression of disbilef of his mom as she held his little body trying despretly to remember each inch of his face before he was taken away from her. I watched it and I cried.

I understand that death is a part of life. Having attended several funerals in the past few months and one more coming soon I realize that it happens. After the pain comes more life and you move on and just live. It's not the life it was before you lost that loved one but it's life and you learn to just be. But that doesn't mean it's ok or that it's acceptable. I will never understand why babies have to die. Why mothers have to hold their lifeless bodies and hope that they will just wake up and take a breath. I've mentioned it before but I would sit there holding Spencer and stairing at his chest thinking I had seen it move waiting for it to move again. I was convinced at least a dozen times that he was breathing. But he just wasn't. Thinking of that makes me cry. 

My baby is gone, my beautiful boy that should be here is gone and I can't explain how much it still hurts even if I don't show it. Each day that I've got with her reminds me that he should be here. Each smile she gives me makes me wonder what he would have looked like when he smiled. When I pick her up in the morning she clings to my neck with her little hands so hard I just want to freeze that moment and soak it all in. When she crawls up to me and grabs my pant leg while I'm washing dishes looking up despretly to be picked up I just want to scoop her up and give her the comfort that she needs. I just want to scoop him up and hold him again.

I am not alone, this much I know and for that I am forever sorry for. 

If you have a blog you'd like to share with me leave me the link and I'll read your story knowing full well that you also know how I feel. 

Comments

[Sally]

I know that mama who died, and I will be attending her funeral tomorrow. Life is cruel, random and chaotic and the best we can do is hold on for the ride.
xo