Ramblings

Nearly every day I think of a post I'd like to make. Then I think about how little I post and that I should do it more often.....then I get busy. The baby will cry, laundry might need to get folded or the dog will want out and the post leaves me and I forget. 

I wish I had a lap top so I could just pull it up make a quick post of what's on my mind and move on. I know that I have readers......even ones I've never met. I know because my blog over view tells me so. One day I had 47 visits....... I know I've got at least two people in my real life that read, 2 or three I've "met" through the blog world so that leaves 42 people reading my blog that I just don't know about. I often wonder who you are and how you even managed to find this blog. A blog so infrequently utilized, one with little depth or insight.....at least in my opinion. 

I hope that who ever you are reading this mumbo jumbo that you've come here simply because we have something in common. And despite the probably really shitty reason for you finding it that I'm in some way helping you through your pain. Blogs helped me when I needed it. They helped me realize that I wasn't the only one and then that even though I felt crazy I was pretty normal.......for someone so fucked up.

I've been living life. A busy life, and to be honest I never actually thought being a stay at home mom was so much work......I'm busier now than I was when I had a full time job and a social life. And I don't even get out of my grubbies most of the time. To be honest I prefer my grubbies.....I hate putting on make up and getting ready.....it just takes so long.......and I'm lazy like that. So naturally my life is spent in sweats and a tank top, probably a sweater if it's cold out. I even have my "good" sweats. It amazes me that my husband even flirts with me still never mind thinks I'm pretty because half the time I look like a bum....in good sweats ;)

Spencer has been on my mind a lot, and it's mostly been because of how life just goes on. And how it's almost like he was never here. Our life is as it is without him and that pisses me off. It's still a what if and I wonder what- type of thought but it amazes me how things just keep moving. And then, like this morning this song plays on my Ipod 11 Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) while I'm feeding the princess who is seemingly hungry RIGHT THE F NOW! 

As I'm about to shovel apple into her mouth I stop.......I wonder if I should get up and turn it off, move to the next song so I don't have to hear "his song" but I stay still and listen. Then at the top of her lungs my demanding daughter reminds me that I'm feeding her and shes HUNGRY RIGHT NOW! So I leave it and wait for the lump in my throat to clear and then begin to explain to her that this was her brothers song. Her brother, the one she will never know. The older brother that she's out lived. It makes me sick to think that she will never know him. He will never be here to protect her, beat the crap out of her, pick her up when she falls and roll around on the floor with her. How truly messed up is that? A brother you never know, an image or a story that your mom tells you about. Someone that existed before you, but doesn't now. 

I try to talk to her about him, not as often as I probably should because really she doesn't get it. She's been to his grave once....the one time I posted about it and I haven't gone back since. I don't go enough, and I don't go because I hate going. I feel like he's not there, I feel like it's just a spot........I feel like he should be at home with us in his beautiful urn close by but instead he's in a spot, in the ground so people can go visit him........Although I know they visit him as often as I do so that just pisses me off even more. One piece of advice- Never make a decision at the time of your child's death to please other people. Don't do it even if you think it will keep the peace or that it's the acceptable thing to do because other people want you to do it. Make the choices for you and your spouse, do what feels right, what matters to you and ONLY you. Because the last thing you want to do is regret making the one parental decision for your child based on what other people thought was right. 

I wish with all my wishes that he was here, that the room I'm sitting in was his room full of toys and boy things. I wish I knew what he looked like now and how different and grown up he would be. I wish Christmas was more exciting because he would have gotten it. I just wish my boy had lived so he could be here with his family. Happy, growing and proud of his little sister. Because that is what's supposed to happen when you start having a family .Not death and sadness and the forever grief that runs up and slaps you in the face while you are feeding your living baby.

I didn't choose this life, I'm grateful for what I have and for who surrounds me with their love, but I miss my kid. And the worst part is........I don't even know what to miss about him because we never really got to meet..........

Comments

[Sally]

I couldn't have said it better myself.
Still reading.
Still missing Spencer.
Has been nice to find you on FB.
xo

[ldoo]

I'm one of the readers you don't know. I don't remember how I came across your blog, but I read because I sympathize, even though I'm not a BLM. I read because now that I know your story, I feel like it helps honor your son to remember him by reading your blog (even though I never knew him).

So, sending peace and love to you and your family.

[Kerry]

Jen, knowing you makes these hard to read - you are a real live person and you're my friend. It makes me so sad to know you're hurting and nothing will ever take that hurt away. But please know that we have never forgotten Spencer, he brought us into your life and for that, I'm so grateful.

I know if you keep telling Scarlett about Spencer, she will understand one day. Babies are surprisingly therapeutic little creatures to talk to - they listen because they're happy you're talking to them and you get to say everything you want to say. And if you cry, that's okay, they need to understand that life isn't sunshine and roses and mommies cry sometimes.