I had a dream

When it happened I wanted to write about it. It was powerful, emotional and it was real. 

I don't dream of Spencer......in fact I'm not sure I ever have....I don't know why and it's really not something I can control and I know that. 

This dream wasn't about him though. I think it was a combination of reading Sally's Blog, thinking of him and knowing I'm.Not.Alone. Now I'm not certain that the woman in my dream was in fact Miss Sally, during the dream there was no obvious indication that it was her. I remember thinking one day as I was looking at pictures of her sweet kids on facebook, "I sure wish I could meet her one day". The reality is that we live worlds away I'm in Canada she's in Australia, and I'm not sure it would ever happen. But if it did I know it would probably play out like this. 

I was sitting at a large table with a group of people. Everyone was talking and as I scanned the room I caught the words of a woman. She was talking about a loss, a loss I could relate to. I sat back almost shocked that her story was so similar to mine and I listened to her pain as I felt my own. As she continued to tell her story I had to stop her it was all to real and I NEEDED her to know that I too knew exactly how she felt. 

I looked at her and said "that happened to me too, I lost my son". She stood up walked over to me and we just hugged and cried. The tears fell down my face so uncontrollably that I could literally feel those painful moments again, crying on the bed room floor of a silent house with no baby, no one around to hear my painful screams. I felt it and in her arms I could let it all out like it was ok. Like no matter how hard I cried when I stopped I was going to be ok. And I let her cry too, I felt her pain and for the first time since Spencer died in my dream it felt like someone actually understood me. I felt like I could finally cry the way that I have needed to cry for 3 years now. I felt like I wasn't being judged, like all the tears I've hoarded deep inside could come out and it was ok. She knew why, she felt what I was feeling and I was finally connecting with someone like me. 

Crying in that woman's arms was the most freeing moment. I felt relief, peace, calm and acceptance. No one on this planet knows my pain like a mom that has gone through the same torture of delivering her still born child. Not a single person in my life right now can tell me she knows how I feel. I don't have that connection in real life, I don't have that person that I can go talk to, cry to, blubber and snot to. I just don't have it and for a few moments in that dream I did have it. I had her in my real life comforting me knowing exactly how intense that pain is.

I woke up crying, feeling as if it all just actually happened. Feeling a small sense of relief knowing that if that day came that I would find that comfort in her.....I firmly believe that it was Sally, that it will only ever be Sally that knows enough to just hold me, cry with me and talk to me about our loss. She has that face, that comforting glow of warmth, experience, love and kindness. 

Sally, 

I don't need to say much, I know that you know. I can only hope that the moment in my dream will one day happen. I can only hope that you know how much you have impacted not only my life, but other women's lives through your loss of Hope and your journey since. So thank you for being you, sharing you and giving us HOPE a world away.

I had a dream and it was one I'll never forget.

Comments

[Sally]

I'm just..... wow. So blown away. Speechless. This is so very lovely, and I'm so touched. I never imagined my blog, and Hope, would touch people. I'm glad I've made a tiny bit of difference.
Spencer is loved and remembered. And if I ever make it to Canada, I'll look you up. Feel free to do the same if you come here!
xo

[alicia]

so glad you have Sally in your life, even if it is just through the internet, some of my best friends and the people that get me are on the internet!